Dealing with Personal Conflicts in Front of Youth

Episode #25 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

The honeymoon will not last forever. Disagreements and arguments will occur in relationships. This is okay. All relationships have disagreements, even happy ones. Life would get pretty dull if everybody agreed on everything all the time. What is important is how we handle the argument and control our behavior.  Especially when our children are watching and learning from us.

Children learn to navigate the world by watching us. They are very perceptive and can tell if something is wrong even if we tell them it is fine. Hiding disagreements and anger from them all the time can teach them that those feelings are not ok and lead to them not knowing how to resolve conflicts later in life or hold in their anger in.  Showing children that it is ok to have an argument and how to handle it in a healthy way can improve their emotional intelligence.

When having an argument in front of your child keep the discussion about the issue, don’t start belittling the other person. Don’t ever make your children take a side in your arguments and don’t make them be an intermediary or play referee in your arguments either. Also it is important to not think about an argument as something to be one or lost but as a problem to be solved.

Finally, know your limit. We’ve talked about stepping back before blowing up when mad at our children, the same applies for when we’re arguing with our partners.  If you feel yourself getting too hot or angry to think clear, step back from the argument.  It doesn’t mean you’re conceding, it just means you’re taking a break from the discussion and coming back to it when you can think more clearly.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Ginsburg, K. R. (2011). Building Resiliency in Children and Teens. Grove Village IL: American Academy of Pediatrics.

Strengthening Families Program for Children 11-14 Curriculum. Iowa State University Extension. http://www.extension.iastate.edu/sfp10-14/

Stepping Back instead of Blowing Up

Episode #24 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

We love our children with all of our heart and only want the best for them. Sometimes though they do things that aggravate us in ways never we thought possible and push buttons we never knew we had.  It’s difficult to think clearly and make good decisions when we’re angry.  Anger can cloud our minds and make it hard to think about anything other than the negative. When we’re angry at our child it’s important to control our emotions and not say things we may later regret.

A skill we can use is to give ourselves time to cool off before talking to our child about why we’re upset.  Tell the child that we’re upset with what they did and that we’ll talk about it once we’ve had time to cool down.  This isn’t letting them off the hook for the behavior that made us upset; it’s giving us time to collect ourselves before we deal with the situation.

Once we’ve stepped back it’s important that we think about what’s making us angry and ask ourselves some questions.  How serious of an offense was our child’s behavior that made us angry? Was our initial anger justified or are there other things going on in our life that may have affected how we reacted. What would we like to see be the outcome of this situation?

Stepping back helps keep anger from leading to a fight where we say things we later regret.  Taking time to cool off can help us have a better conversation with our child about why we’re upset and what our expectations are for them. Our children learn how to interact with others by watching and mimicking us. By stepping back before blowing up we’re teaching our children that we control our emotions, our emotions do not control us.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Ginsburg, K. R. (2011). Building Resiliency in Children and Teens. Grove Village IL: American Academy of Pediatrics.

Strengthening Families Program for Children 11-14 Curriculum. Iowa State University Extension. http://www.extension.iastate.edu/sfp10-14/

“I’m Different.” Helping a Child Cope with Being Different from Their Peers and Demonstrating Acceptance

Episode #21 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

Adolescence can be hard on anyone but for children who are told they are different or feel that they are don’t fit in it can be exceptionally difficult. There are countless messages a person can be told that they don’t fit in with society. Often times it is due to their sexual identity or orientation, other common messages a person is told they don’t belong are due to their race, they have mental illness, they don’t have the right body type, or their poor.  These messages can come at a person from the media, their peers, their community and even their family.

The negative messages that an adolescent is given telling them that they are bad or less than others because of something they have no control over have immediate and lasting effects on their confidence and self-worth.

Self-worth and confidence in ourselves is important at any stage in life. While navigating the sometimes difficult path of adolescence these qualities are essential.  We can nurture our child’s confidence by helping them to recognize their feelings and to learn from their successes and failures; as well as setting reasonable expectations and giving them genuine praise when appropriate.

Children who are dealing with being different from what they’re told is normal need additional support from us. First and foremost they need to know that they are loved and supported. We can help our child by being there to listen when they are frustrated and fight against discrimination. We don’t want to blame our child for being different or telling them just to stop being who they are or to somehow hide it.  Hardest of all we also need to look inside ourselves and recognize our own prejudices and stigmas we carry around and how that affects our child.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Ginsburg, K. R. (2011). Building Resiliency in Children and Teens. Grove Village IL: American Academy of Pediatrics.

Helping Your Child Through Breakups

Episode #18 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

Breakups can be difficult for teenagers. Whether it’s breaking up with a first love or the drifting apart of childhood friends the ending of a relationship can be a traumatic time for male and female teens.  It can be tricky sometimes to know the difference between what we think our children want and what they actually need during these difficult situations. When our child is hurting from a breakup we instinctively want to help them and make them feel better.

Talking is one of the best medicines for a broken heart.  Emphasizing with our teens and letting them know we’re there to talk about the breakup when they’re ready is a great way to show love and support.  We shouldn’t force teens into talking about their breakup.  They might not be ready to talk or would rather talk to their friends. If they do decide to talk to us it’s important to listen and show empathy.

Writing can also be a good outlet for teens to express their pain.  That means writing in a journal or diary not all over social media.  Telling them not to put their whole heart out on the internet is good advice to give anyone.  Remind them that the things they say on the internet can be seen by more than just their friends and what they say could make them look bad and can’t truly be taken back once on the internet.

Finally, telling teens “get over it”, or “you two were never going to work out anyways” may seem to us like helping but doesn’t show empathy. On the other had we don’t want to get wrapped up in our child’s emotions and badmouth their ex. Instead we should model our behavior by choosing the words we use to talk about their ex carefully and talking about how we understand breakups can be very painful and our own experiences with them.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Ginsburg, K. R. (2011). Building Resiliency in Children and Teens. Grove Village IL: American Academy of Pediatrics.

Healthy Ways to Handle Rejection

Episode #17 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

Rejection is a part of everyday life. In the adult world, rejection may be as serious as a break up or a missed job opportunity, or it can be as minor as someone disagreeing with our idea. We choose how to handle both small and large rejections, and how we role model our responses sets the tone for our children.

We’ve all seen and recognize unhealthy responses. However, healthy reactions have three main parts. First, it helps to acknowledge our disappointment. Depending on the seriousness of the situation, it may take some time to work through our feelings. This is normal as long as it doesn’t keep us from our daily lives.

Next, evaluate the experience. In some situations, we learn from what happened and improve our performance next time. In others, the other person may simply have been looking for something different than what we had to offer, and it wasn’t about us at all. It is important to recognize the difference between opportunities for growth and experiences to merely put behind us.

Finally, we prepare ourselves to try again whether it’s selling a product, building a relationship, or applying for a job. We learn from the earlier rejection and try again to reach our goals.

Rejection can be a challenge, as well as an opportunity for reflection and growth. The more we model healthy responses, the better lessons our children will learn.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Ginsburg, K. R. (2011). Building Resiliency in Children and Teens. Grove Village IL: American Academy of Pediatrics.

Recognizing Feelings

Episode #16 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

Helping your child to recognize and manage their feelings and emotions, is a necessary life skill, which will help them succeed and lead a productive life.

Often, children cannot communicate what they are feeling, which may cause inappropriate behavior or heightened stress in certain situations.  As adults, we understand these feelings, and can show our children how to recognize feelings as they happen, how to express them appropriately, and how to identify emotions in others.  We can also help them be aware of how their emotions affect others, and to become more sensitive to what others need or want.

One way to help your child learn to name what they feel is to create a feelings chart that lists the different emotions that people can have.  Depending on the age of your child, you may want to use pictures to describe the feelings.  For older children, another way you can help them is to create a journal for them, where they can capture feelings, thoughts and moods.  These things give children an outlet or a way to express feelings, and can minimize unnecessary stress.  They also give adults a chance to show children that they understand, tell them that what they are feeling is okay, and to model how they should properly be expressed.

Helping your child learn to recognize and manage their feelings will help them to navigate through life successfully and become a caring, responsible adult.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

http://msue.anr.msu.edu/news/learning_to_manage_feelings_is_a_life_skill

http://www.extension.iastate.edu/4h/explore/lifeskills

http://www.csrees.usda.gov/nea/family/res/pdfs/Experiential_Learning.pdf

Helping Children Learn to Deal with Disappointment

Episode #13 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

Click arrow to listen to the 90-second podcast.

We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

Disappointments – large and small – are inevitable parts of everyone’s daily lives. The way we handle, or cope with, those disappointments has an important impact on how we view ourselves and the world around us.

Very young children don’t yet have the ability to manage their own emotional responses or stress. When they want something, they want it right away, and they let us know by crying or acting out. As children get older, they watch how adults cope with disappointment and begin to model their own responses after ours.

As adults, we can teach young people a few simple steps to regulating their emotions in stressful situations. When a disappointment occurs, take a moment to recognize how you feel and acknowledge those feelings. Then have a plan for how to calm yourself, such as taking a deep breath, counting to three, and telling yourself to calm down. Lastly, take a few minutes to think of positive, proactive solutions. Focus on things you can control, and keep in mind we can’t really control what other people do.

From time to time, explain to children how you have used these steps to handle frustration. Then, when they experience disappointment, help talk them through the steps as well. With practice, their skills in coping with disappointment will improve, and they will become better problem solvers.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Joseph, G.E. and Strain, P.S. (2003). Helping Young Children Control Anger and Handle Disappointment. Urbana-Champaign, IL: The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning. Available at http://www.childstudysystem.com/uploads/6/1/9/1/6191025/helping_young_children_handle_anger.pdf

Reflecting Emotions

Episode #5 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

When we as adults pay attention to children’s emotions, we are letting them know that their experiences and perspectives are important. Children need to be heard and understood on their terms. At the early toddler stage, your child does not have the words to tell you what he is feeling as your child experiences the world around him.  Children deserve empathy to feel listened to and respected. As a parent, you can watch and listen to what the actions of your child is telling you.

Parents can project to children that it is OK to feel angry, frustrated, confused, disappointed as well as happy, excited, and surprised. You help your child build resilience, gain confidence, and feel competent when you help her learn to manage those emotions in healthy ways.

When we are empathetic toward children and their emotions, we create an emotional safety net. They feel secure in coming to us with problems and children will feel confident in learning and listening to their emotions.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Ginsburg, K.R. & Jablow, M.M. (2011) Building Resilience in Children and Teens. Elk Grove Village, IL: American Academy of Pediatrics.

http://www.healthychildren.org/English/Pages/default.aspx