Recognizing Stressors

Episode #19 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

As adults, we are very busy with parenting and work. We often feel stressed and experience burn-out from dealing with day-to-day situations.  But would you ever think that your child can experience stress too?

Studies tell us that many children experience extreme stress and have similar symptoms as those of adults. Stress is the body’s reaction to a physical or emotional situation that causes imbalance in a person’s life.  Children may show signs of stress in several ways such as becoming ill, acting nervous and withdrawn, or showing anger and demanding attention.  Some things that could cause a child stress might be death, divorce, remarriage, moving, abuse, natural disaster and so on.

One way to help your child learn to deal with their stress is to acknowledge their feelings. It is important that a child understands what they are feeling, and can begin to understand how to cope or problem solve to reduce the amount of stress they may be under.  You do not need to be a therapist to help your child cope with stress.  One key element in reducing stress is providing a stress-free environment in which children feel supported, providing opportunities to think through possible solutions and opportunities to learn new ways to avoid stress.

Children who are around supportive adults and caregivers usually develop a variety of coping strategies and are likely to become more resilient. By helping your child learn to solve problems on their own, you will help them to become stronger adults and viable community members.  Who knows, you may even learn a thing or two about dealing with your own stress in the process.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Virginia State Cooperative Extension, http://www.ext.vt.edu

North Carolina Cooperative Extension,  http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs457.pdf

Helping Your Child Through Breakups

Episode #18 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

Breakups can be difficult for teenagers. Whether it’s breaking up with a first love or the drifting apart of childhood friends the ending of a relationship can be a traumatic time for male and female teens.  It can be tricky sometimes to know the difference between what we think our children want and what they actually need during these difficult situations. When our child is hurting from a breakup we instinctively want to help them and make them feel better.

Talking is one of the best medicines for a broken heart.  Emphasizing with our teens and letting them know we’re there to talk about the breakup when they’re ready is a great way to show love and support.  We shouldn’t force teens into talking about their breakup.  They might not be ready to talk or would rather talk to their friends. If they do decide to talk to us it’s important to listen and show empathy.

Writing can also be a good outlet for teens to express their pain.  That means writing in a journal or diary not all over social media.  Telling them not to put their whole heart out on the internet is good advice to give anyone.  Remind them that the things they say on the internet can be seen by more than just their friends and what they say could make them look bad and can’t truly be taken back once on the internet.

Finally, telling teens “get over it”, or “you two were never going to work out anyways” may seem to us like helping but doesn’t show empathy. On the other had we don’t want to get wrapped up in our child’s emotions and badmouth their ex. Instead we should model our behavior by choosing the words we use to talk about their ex carefully and talking about how we understand breakups can be very painful and our own experiences with them.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Ginsburg, K. R. (2011). Building Resiliency in Children and Teens. Grove Village IL: American Academy of Pediatrics.

Healthy Ways to Handle Rejection

Episode #17 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

Rejection is a part of everyday life. In the adult world, rejection may be as serious as a break up or a missed job opportunity, or it can be as minor as someone disagreeing with our idea. We choose how to handle both small and large rejections, and how we role model our responses sets the tone for our children.

We’ve all seen and recognize unhealthy responses. However, healthy reactions have three main parts. First, it helps to acknowledge our disappointment. Depending on the seriousness of the situation, it may take some time to work through our feelings. This is normal as long as it doesn’t keep us from our daily lives.

Next, evaluate the experience. In some situations, we learn from what happened and improve our performance next time. In others, the other person may simply have been looking for something different than what we had to offer, and it wasn’t about us at all. It is important to recognize the difference between opportunities for growth and experiences to merely put behind us.

Finally, we prepare ourselves to try again whether it’s selling a product, building a relationship, or applying for a job. We learn from the earlier rejection and try again to reach our goals.

Rejection can be a challenge, as well as an opportunity for reflection and growth. The more we model healthy responses, the better lessons our children will learn.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Ginsburg, K. R. (2011). Building Resiliency in Children and Teens. Grove Village IL: American Academy of Pediatrics.

Recognizing Feelings

Episode #16 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

Helping your child to recognize and manage their feelings and emotions, is a necessary life skill, which will help them succeed and lead a productive life.

Often, children cannot communicate what they are feeling, which may cause inappropriate behavior or heightened stress in certain situations.  As adults, we understand these feelings, and can show our children how to recognize feelings as they happen, how to express them appropriately, and how to identify emotions in others.  We can also help them be aware of how their emotions affect others, and to become more sensitive to what others need or want.

One way to help your child learn to name what they feel is to create a feelings chart that lists the different emotions that people can have.  Depending on the age of your child, you may want to use pictures to describe the feelings.  For older children, another way you can help them is to create a journal for them, where they can capture feelings, thoughts and moods.  These things give children an outlet or a way to express feelings, and can minimize unnecessary stress.  They also give adults a chance to show children that they understand, tell them that what they are feeling is okay, and to model how they should properly be expressed.

Helping your child learn to recognize and manage their feelings will help them to navigate through life successfully and become a caring, responsible adult.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

http://msue.anr.msu.edu/news/learning_to_manage_feelings_is_a_life_skill

http://www.extension.iastate.edu/4h/explore/lifeskills

http://www.csrees.usda.gov/nea/family/res/pdfs/Experiential_Learning.pdf

Delaying Gratification in an Instant Age

Episode #15 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

Resilient adults have the ability to delay gratification. Yet, it is in children’s very nature to want to meet needs and wants right away. However, research tells us that children who learn to control themselves and resist temptations are more resilient and successful as adults.

There are lots of ways to encourage self-regulation in children. For example, spending time cooking or baking with children can teach them that sometimes they have to wait for good things. Likewise, teaching children not to interrupt adults lets them know that if they are patient, they will have your undivided attention. Similarly, telling young people “no” when it is appropriate helps them understand they can’t have (nor do they need) everything they want.

By encouraging self-directed play, we allow children to learn how to distract themselves from what they want in the moment. Then, help your child write down a wish list. It tells them you are truly listening to them, they learn to set goals, and it gives them a chance to evaluate what they wanted after some time has passed. Finally, good adult role models can be the best teacher.

By teaching lessons about delayed gratification early in life, children will be better able to manage the demands placed on them through the media, social media and other sources that vie for their attention, and they will be much better prepared to deal with challenges as they get older.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Ginsburg, K. R. (2011). Building Resiliency in Children and Teens. Grove Village IL: American Academy of Pediatrics.

Sleeping Should be Easy (2013). How to Promote Delayed Gratification in Children. Retrieved from http://sleepingshouldbeeasy.com/2013/01/17/delayed-gratification/.

Ending the Blame Game: Teaching Children Inner Control

Episode #14 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

Children learn more from observing parents behavior than from being told how to behave. We have probably heard our child say “it’s not my fault,” when it clearly was, or “it’s because the teacher hates me,” when they come home with a bad grade. We may even scold them for not taking responsibility. However, if we come home and say that it’s everyone else’s fault for the mistake we made at work, or blame everyone in the house if we misplace the keys; what message are we actually sending to our child?

There are a few constructive steps that you go through with your child that can help strengthen their resiliency and ability to recognize their own responsibility for their choices and actions. First listen to your child’s story. How they tell the story of what happened can give you insight as to how they deal with disappointment. Next work together and figure out who actually is responsible for what occurred. Is the child at fault or was the situation completely out of their control? Finally talk about how long the problem will last and if it is just a bump in the road or a serious issue. As adults, this is also a valuable learning process for us to go through with ourselves. .

By modeling effective problem solving in front of your child and guiding them through the process when they face failure, you can help teach your child to become better at coping with disappointment, be better able to skillfully manage other challenges they face in life, and take responsibility for their own choices.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Ginsburg, K. R. (2011). Building Resiliency in Children and Teens. Grove Village IL: American Academy of Pediatrics.

Helping Children Learn to Deal with Disappointment

Episode #13 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

Click arrow to listen to the 90-second podcast.

We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

Disappointments – large and small – are inevitable parts of everyone’s daily lives. The way we handle, or cope with, those disappointments has an important impact on how we view ourselves and the world around us.

Very young children don’t yet have the ability to manage their own emotional responses or stress. When they want something, they want it right away, and they let us know by crying or acting out. As children get older, they watch how adults cope with disappointment and begin to model their own responses after ours.

As adults, we can teach young people a few simple steps to regulating their emotions in stressful situations. When a disappointment occurs, take a moment to recognize how you feel and acknowledge those feelings. Then have a plan for how to calm yourself, such as taking a deep breath, counting to three, and telling yourself to calm down. Lastly, take a few minutes to think of positive, proactive solutions. Focus on things you can control, and keep in mind we can’t really control what other people do.

From time to time, explain to children how you have used these steps to handle frustration. Then, when they experience disappointment, help talk them through the steps as well. With practice, their skills in coping with disappointment will improve, and they will become better problem solvers.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Joseph, G.E. and Strain, P.S. (2003). Helping Young Children Control Anger and Handle Disappointment. Urbana-Champaign, IL: The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning. Available at http://www.childstudysystem.com/uploads/6/1/9/1/6191025/helping_young_children_handle_anger.pdf

Setting Appropriate Consequences

Episode #12 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

From an early age, children should learn that misbehaviors can bring unwanted consequences. Hitting siblings can mean time away from the center of the action, not finishing homework means a loss of TV time, piles of dirty laundry in their room means favorite clothes aren’t clean when they want to wear them. These consequences are appropriate because they fit the behavior.

A consequence that is too stiff or unrelated to the behavior takes focus off the behavior you want to correct and makes the child defensive. They come back with “You never let me have any fun” or “That’s not fair” and the conversation becomes a tug-of-war with words. The situation becomes harder to resolve.

When parents apply appropriate consequences, children can learn lessons of responsibility and problem solving. This becomes especially important with teenagers, the consequences of decisions can become much more serious than not cleaning a room.

To avoid spiraling negative cycles, make it clear from the beginning that certain behaviors are not negotiable and consequences are immediate. Also, remember that in growing up, children of all ages can benefit from being involved with parents in negotiating boundaries and developing decision-making skills.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Ginsberg, K. R. (2011). Building Resiliency in Children and Teens. Grove Village IL: American Academy of Pediatrics.

Setting Realistic Goals & Expectations

Episode #11 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

Having realistic goals and expectations for your child will allow them to experience success and feel personally valuable, while setting expectations for your child that may be too high could bring disappointment and cause low self-esteem.

A good way to do a check of your expectations for your child is to start with learning a bit about child development.  Figure out where your child is at this stage of development, so that you know what they should or could be capable of doing.  This will help you keep your expectations realistic, and not too high or too low.

You could also ask yourself a few questions like, “Why do I have this expectation?”, “Is it based on my wishes or my child’s needs?”, “What purpose does it serve?”, or “Am I being fair?”  This will help you focus on the expectations that have real meaning for your child at his or her stage of development.

The long-term effects of setting realistic goals and expectations for your child are numerous, but setting attainable goals and building healthy self-esteem are things that will turn children into confident teens and responsible adults.

Additional Resources:

University of Michigan: Developmental Stages in Your Child
Washington State Child Development Guide

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Nelson, P. T. (Ed) (2012). Self-esteem grows with realistic expectations in Families Matter! A Series for Parents of School- Age Youth. Newark, DE: Cooperative Extension, University of Delaware. (Pat Tanner Nelson, Ed.D. Extension Family & Human Development Specialist ptnelson@udel.edu, http://bit.ly/DEjitp. Adapted from materials prepared for Cooperative Extension and from Working Mother.)

National PTA.  http://www.pta.org

Giving Constructive Feedback to Children

Episode #10 in the “Raising Kids Who Can Cope” Series

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We all want to raise kids who are emotionally and socially intelligent and are able to recover from disappointment to grow stronger every day into adulthood

All children have their own personal strengths but too often we overlook them and focus on faults and weaknesses. That is when criticism creeps in. Using criticism as constructive feedback can help a child develop confidence in their abilities and decisions.

Two points to remember when providing feedback are: one, feedback like praise, must be specific. Name the action or behavior. For example, “You left a mess on the counter. Please help out by cleaning it up.”

And two, avoid making personal statements about your child such as “You are so messy or You are clumsy.” Avoid labels and shame that can put a child in the position of having to defend themselves or retreating into anger and resentment.

If a child is stuck on completing a task or correcting a mistake, build on their strengths, point out what they have accomplished in the past and help them identify ways to solve the current problem. Constructive feedback provides guidance, understanding, and opens up opportunities for discussions between parent and child.

Raising Kids Who Can Cope is a 28-part series developed to build skills, knowledge and awareness in adults who play a role in young people’s lives. It is brought to you by Jackson County UW-Extension and Together for Jackson County Kids. Find out more at Raising Kids Who Can Cope.

References

Ginsburg, K. R. (2011). Building Resiliency in Children and Teens. Grove Village, IL: American Academy of Pediatrics